The Archer Clause
by Red Witch
Summary: A holiday tradition through the years with an Archer family twist.


**Santa took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just a little holiday madness from my tiny mind. **

**The Archer Clause **

"I can't believe you dragged me away from Sterling's bedside for **this!**" Mallory grumbled as she stood in a line with Lana and AJ for Santa.

"It will do you good to get out of the hospital for a few hours," Lana told her as she held AJ.

Mallory recoiled as a small child sneezed without covering his mouth near her. "If I stand in this line any longer, I may end up in a bed right next to Sterling!"

"Don't exaggerate," Lana sighed. "This won't take that long."

"A few seconds is all it takes to get infected," Mallory snapped as she pulled out a flask. "Have you never seen a science fiction movie?"

"Have you never heard of being **sober?**" Lana did a double take. "Seriously? **Now?**"

"Alcohol helps kill the germs," Mallory said as she took a swig. "Besides it's not like I'm the only one. Look at that train wreck ahead of us in the pajamas. What? Look at her and tell me she's **not** half in the bag!"

"**Why** did I think this was a good idea again?" Lana sighed. "Oh right, I'm an idiot."

"Your words," Mallory said.

"Shut up," Lana glared at Mallory. "And behave yourself."

"When do I **not**?" Mallory asked.

"Ten minutes ago," Lana gave her a look. "When you tried to give that Salvation Army ringer a potato."

"Well I couldn't give it to my building superintendent this year!" Mallory snapped. "Apparently in some Italian towns it's considered an insult. Who knew?"

"Just behave," Lana groaned. She looked at AJ. "Both of you."

"AHCHOOO!"

"I just figured out why Carol hates babies," Mallory winced as the child sneezed again. "She may have a point."

"Just be patient," Lana sighed. "If you're really good we'll go to a place that has a bar."

"Honestly Lana the whole Santa thing is overrated," Mallory sighed. "As I learned the hard way."

FLASHBACK!

**Sterling Archer: Age 1: **

"Come on Master Archer," Woodhouse was dressed up like Santa with Baby Archer on his lap. "This will make a lovely present for your mother. Oh dear. You just peed on me."

**Sterling Archer: Age 2: **

Woodhouse was once again dressed up as Santa trying to take a picture of himself with Baby Archer. "Now young master we're going to take a lovely picture for your mother," Woodhouse told the baby. "Who I'm sure is going to come home for you. One day. I hope."

Baby Archer responded by kicking Woodhouse in the crotch and hitting him in the face with a bottle. "OWWWW!" Woodhouse winced.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Baby Archer got down and ran away screaming.

"That's it," Woodhouse sighed. "Next year I'm taking him to a professional Santa."

**Sterling Archer: Age 3: **

"Ah geeze," Santa groaned as he held Little Archer on his lap. "This kid peed on me!"

Little Archer threw the bottle he was holding at Santa's head. "OUCH!"

**Sterling Archer: Age 4: **

"OOFF!" Santa winced as Young Archer kicked him in the groin as he got on his lap.

"Now young Master Archer," Woodhouse sighed. "What do we say to Santa?"

"GIVE ME STUFF!" Young Archer screamed in Santa's face right before he bit him on the nose.

"OWWWWWWW!" Santa screamed in pain. "SECURITY!"

**Sterling Archer: Age 5:**

"And what do you want for Christmas little boy?" Santa asked Young Archer.

"To not go to military school anymore," Young Archer told Santa. He was wearing a child's military school uniform.

"Fat chance kid," Mallory snapped. She was younger and wearing an eyepatch for some reason.

"He's Santa!" Young Archer snapped. "He can override you! He's your supervisor!"

"HE'S NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Mallory shouted.

"Tell her Santa!" Young Archer pointed. "Tell her that she's a big meanie and she can't send me away anymore!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that son…" Santa coughed.

"Well then what **good **are you?" Young Archer snapped before kicking Santa in the groin and hitting his nose.

"SECURITY!" Santa shouted.

**Sterling Archer: Age 6:**

"And what do you want for Christmas little boy?" Santa asked Young Archer.

"A mother who's not a whore for Christmas," Young Archer said.

"Oh, shut up!" Mallory shoved Young Archer off Santa's lap. She got on Santa's lap.

"What are you **doing?"** Santa was stunned.

"I've been a naughty girl Santa," Mallory purred. "I should be punished. Want to spank me?"

"Uh no…" Santa was stunned. "Is that **alcohol** on your breath?"

"SANTA'S TRYING TO SCREW MY MOM!" Young Archer screamed. "If you do that, I get all the candy canes!" He ran over to a bag of candy canes and grabbed it.

"Give those back!" One of the elves shouted. A few of them started to chase Young Archer around.

"Come on Santa," Mallory purred as she groped him. "It's cold outside!"

"The answer is **no!"** Santa tried to get away.

"OW! HE BIT ME!" An elf screamed.

"I am so going to deck your halls…" Mallory tried to kiss Santa.

"SECURITY!" Santa screamed in terror.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Admittedly that last one was just as much my fault as Sterling's," Mallory coughed.

"No kidding," Lana held back her swearing because of AJ. "Why…?"

"I caught Len Trexler kissing some floozy dressed as an elf," Mallory admitted.

Lana was stunned. "And you thought you could get him back if you nailed **Santa?**"

"Santa beats elf Lana! It was a logical move!" Mallory protested. "I just happened to pick the **wrong Santa**. Not only was this one married, he was one of those ultra-religious nuts who thought adultery was a sin. Long story short, we were banned from Lacy's Department store after that fiasco. The next year we went to a **different store**."

FLASHBACK!

**Sterling Archer Age 7: **

"You're not going to try and screw Santa again, are you?" Young Archer asked his mother as they stood in line.

"First of all," Mallory explained to her son. "That was one of Santa's helpers. Not the real Santa. Who obviously wouldn't know a **real woman** if one sat on his lap."

"**You** sat on his lap!" Young Archer protested. "And tried to kiss him! While drunk!"

"I should find a school that keeps students in through Christmas break," Mallory groaned.

"Why are we doing this?" Young Archer whined. "I don't want to be here!"

"Neither do I!" Mallory snapped. "Why the hell didn't I just let Woodhouse do this? Oh, right. Because I'm an idiot."

"Your words," Young Archer said.

"Shut up!" Mallory hissed. "And behave yourself!"

"When do I **not**?" Young Archer asked.

"Ten minutes ago!" Mallory snapped.

"You can't blame me kicking that guy!" Young Archer protested. "He was a beggar!"

"He was a member of the Salvation Army!" Mallory bristled. Then softened. "Okay technically he was begging…"

"You see why I got confused right?" Young Archer asked.

"Just go up there and get this over with so we can get home!" Mallory hissed at him.

"Hello there little boy," Santa said as Young Archer got on his lap. "OOF! Almost kicked Santa in the holly berries!"

"Heya big guy," Young Archer said. "How's it hanging?"

"Not that well," Santa groaned. "So, what do you want for Christmas little boy?"

"I'm not that little!" Young Archer protested. "I'm seven! Practically a grown up!"

"Of course, you are," Santa said patiently. "What would you like for Christmas?"

"Besides not going to boarding school anymore and a mother who's sober?" Young Archer asked.

"I HEARD THAT!" Mallory shouted.

"GOOD!" Young Archer snapped.

"This is going to be one of **those** kids…" Santa moaned to himself. "I **knew** I should have spent Christmas working at a tree lot."

"You should spend Christmas working out," Young Archer said. "Unless that's a pillow?" He punched Santa in the stomach.

"OOF!" Santa groaned.

"Nope that's real," Young Archer said. "You're actually fat."

"Just tell me what you want," Santa gritted his teeth.

"You'd better get me what I want this time," Young Archer said.

"Oh, you'll **get **it all right," Santa hissed. "What's your name?"

"How come you don't remember?" Young Archer asked. "Jesus, I knew you were old but nobody told me Santa was senile!"

"Why you…" Santa struggled to control himself.

"Just tell him what you want Sterling!" Mallory barked. "We're wasting time!"

"Why?" Young Archer barked. "The bars aren't open yet!"

"Damn it," Mallory hissed. "Who taught you how to tell time?"

"Just tell me what you **want…**" Santa groaned. "Please!"

"Fine," Young Archer said. "I want a bike. A skateboard. Some new lacrosse equipment. Some new turtlenecks that are midnight black. Not regular black or charcoal black. Midnight black! And don't say there isn't a difference because we all know there is."

"Okay fine…" Santa tried to move Archer off his lap.

"I'm not done yet!" Young Archer snapped. "Don't rush me! Besides what do **you** care? You're hourly!"

"Unfortunately," Santa groaned.

"Wrap it up Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "Neither I nor Santa have all day! There are some parties I need to get ready for."

"Fine," Young Archer grumbled. "I want candy. Money. A visit to Disney World. And if not there the Playboy Mansion…Are you writing this down? You should be writing this down."

"I don't need to write this down," Santa groaned. "Santa never forgets."

"Then where the hell is that bike I wanted **last year**?" Young Archer snapped. "You sure damn well forgot about that!"

"Time to take the picture!" Santa called out. "Take the picture **now**!"

"Forget the picture!" Young Archer snapped. "I want the loot and I want it now!" He punched Santa in the stomach.

"SECURITY!" Santa called out.

"Oh, hang on Santa," Mallory walked up and took Young Archer off. She then got on his lap. "Maybe we can come to an arrangement? There's no Mrs. Claus is there?"

"SECURITY!" Santa screamed.

"Well if that's your attitude!" Mallory got off in a huff. "Sterling…"

Young Archer kicked Santa. "OWWW!"

"Grab the candy canes," Mallory instructed her son as he did so. "Now run! Here comes security!" They ran off.

FLASHFORWARD!

Mallory sighed. "Looking back on it now, I think that was our best visit to Santa. And those candy canes made great garnishes for my cocktails."

"That was your **best **visit?" Lana did a double take.

"Well it was compared to the ones that came after," Mallory groaned. "Oh God I'll never forget the following year. We went to Grumble's because well…I think you **know** why."

"What's Grumble's?" Lana asked.

"Before your time dear," Mallory sighed. "It was a very luxurious high-end department store. Everyone who was anyone went there. Well, until Sterling got there. And after that visit it never recovered. In fact, it went out of business by New Year's Day!"

"Why?" Lana was stunned.

"Well…" Mallory paused. "The lawsuits mostly. The store got all the blame for what happened. And the fires didn't help."

"**Lawsuits?"** Lana barked. "**Fires?** What the hell happened?"

"Well…" Mallory took a drink from her flask again.

FLASHBACK!

**Sterling Archer: Age 8: **

"Why are we **doing **this?" Young Archer whined in line. "I don't want to do this!"

"Neither do I!" Mallory shot back. "But if that bitch Trudy Beekman can brag to everyone about her wonderful family and flash those stupid pictures all over town…So can I!"

"This is about Mrs. Beekman?" Young Archer groaned. "I should have known. You care more about what that woman thinks than I do."

"Because unlike you," Mallory glared. "Her opinions are **worth **something!"

"I hate this," Young Archer grumbled.

"Just shut up, look cute and take the damn picture," Mallory ordered.

"Why don't you just take a picture with your stupid dog?" Young Archer muttered.

Mallory smacked him on the head. "I have! And Duchess was much better behaved than you! But for some reason if you just send a picture out of your dog and not a child its considered pathetic! And that's not going to be me this year! Not again! So, shut up and **behave!"**

"This is stupid," Young Archer grumbled. "I never get what I want to do!"

"Who cares what **you** want?" Mallory snapped. "I'm seriously asking."

"Santa does!" Young Archer snapped. "Maybe I'll ask him for a new mother?"

"You do that!" Mallory shot back. "Maybe I'll ask for a new **son?**"

"Come on up!" Santa said to Young Archer.

"If I must…" Young Archer groaned.

"What is your name little boy?" Santa asked as Archer sat on his lap.

"You really don't know do you?" Archer snapped. "What am I? Just another number to you? Part of your quota?"

"Uh…" Santa blinked.

"I'm starting to think this whole Santa thing is one big racket," Young Archer grumbled.

"Oh boy…" Another child standing in line groaned.

"There's always **one**…" A young girl rolled her eyes.

"No, no! I think I'm onto something!" Young Archer spoke up. "Hear me out! Kids are supposed to be good! Why? So they'd get **presents!** And if they're not good, they don't get presents, right?"

"That's how it usually works…" Santa coughed.

"Keep it up Sterling," Mallory glared at him. "You're going to **get something** when we get home!"

"Well then how come I still get gifts whether I'm good or not?" Young Archer snapped. "Hell, I burned down my aunt's garage last year and I still got some stuff!"

"That doesn't count!" Mallory snapped. "Your aunt is a bitch."

"And you told me to do it," Young Archer thought. "I guess it's okay if an adult tells you to be naughty."

"WHAT?" Santa was stunned.

"Ugh…" Mallory rolled her eyes. She saw something. "Are they giving away free egg nog samples? Be right back." She walked away.

"Of course, a lot of times my loving mother steals or **breaks** my toys to teach me a lesson," Young Archer grumbled. "Is it possible to get a new mother? Can that be done?"

"No…" Santa began.

"Then what **good** are you?" Young Archer snapped. "And another thing that's been bothering me. You know when we're sleeping. You know when we're awake. You're obviously spying on us! Isn't that **illegal**? It was last I checked!"

"Hang on…" Santa tried again.

"Why do you need to know what we're doing?" Archer challenged. "We're just kids! Who cares what we do? Or are you using that as a cover? For some awful purpose! Maybe you say you're just spying on us kids, but what if you're **really spying** on the adults?"

"Okay now that's…" Santa began.

"Are you a communist?" Young Archer shouted into Santa's face.

"What?" Santa was stunned. "NO!"

"Pretty suspicious for a guy who wears a lot of red!" Young Archer pointed his finger in his face.

"That's it!" Santa snapped. "Santa's had enough!"

"So have I!" Young Archer got down and kicked him in the shins.

"OWWWWW!" Santa yelled.

"Screw you Santa!" Young Archer snapped. "I'm going to have some real fun! I'm going to be shipped back to boarding school anyway? So why not?" He ran off. After kicking an elf.

"OWW!" The elf shouted. "No abuse is worth **this**! I'm **out** of here!" He threw off his elf hat and stormed out.

"Man, this job has a lot of weirdoes," Santa groaned.

"That kid is so going to be on the naughty list for life," The young girl said. The other kids agreed.

"Well **that** was a waste," Mallory returned. "Those damn samples didn't even have any alcohol in them. Where's Sterling?"

"He's gone," Santa grumbled. "Good riddance."

"WHAT?" Mallory grabbed him by the coat. "You let my son just run away? Did you at least get a picture?"

"I'm getting a pretty clear picture right now," Santa groaned.

"How could you let my son just run off?" Mallory snapped.

"Hey Lady," Santa snapped. "And I use that term in the most general sense…You're the one who walked away in the first place! Shouldn't you have been watching your kid instead of getting a drink? Or are you too much of an alcoholic to know that?"

To this Mallory responded by punching Santa out cold. The crowd gasped in horror. "Oh, shut up!" Mallory snapped. "I know some of you have been secretly wanting to do that for **years!** Sterling! Sterling!" She walked away.

One mother looked at the others. "I know I have."

"Me too," Her son said.

"Sterling where **are** you?" Mallory snapped as she looked around. "Oh, what the hell? I'm going to get a drink at Bennigan's next door. How much trouble can one eight-year-old boy cause in a major department store?"

How much you ask?

"Who turned on all the TVs?" A sales manager shouted as he looked at all the televisions on in his store.

"Who wrecked all the toys?" Another salesman screamed as he saw a mess of destroyed toys in his store.

"Who mixed up all the jigsaw puzzles?" A saleswoman looked at the mess on the floor. "And took off all the clothes on the Barbies?"

"How did a goldfish get in this boot?" A shoe salesman held a boot and looked at it.

"YEOWWW!"

"Who put tacks in all these shoes?" Someone shouted.

"Who knocked down these Christmas tree display?" Another salesman shouted.

"Who took the clothes off of the female mannequins?" A saleswoman was shocked. "And painted nipples on them?"

"I have a complaint!" A woman that was soaking wet shouted at a security officer. "Some brat just shot at me with a water gun!"

"You're lucky…" A man walked by holding his bleeding arm. "He got me with a BB gun! He could have shot my eye out!"

A little boy was being dragged by his mother. "So why can that kid pee in the fountain and I **can't?**"

"Because your mother isn't raising a **degenerate!**" The mother snapped. "We are never shopping at this store again!"

"Neither am I!" Another mother dragged her daughter away. "I should sue this store for everything they have!"

"You mean what's **left** of the store," The daughter remarked.

SMASH!

"MY CRYSTAL VASES!" A woman shrieked.

"Who lets a kid throw a football inside the china department?" An exasperated saleswoman snapped as she picked up a football.

A man wearing a football helmet, catcher's padding and other sporting equipment waddled by. He had several toy arrows with suctions all over his body. And a few holes in the padding. "Thank God I transferred to sporting goods!"

"Who put bubblegum in my bras?" A saleswoman shouted from her station.

"Help!" Another saleswoman ran up to her and screamed. "Some horrible little boy set off some firecrackers in the plus size underwear department!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

FOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"And now there's a **fire!**" The second saleswoman screamed. Both women ran for their lives.

"BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!"

"MEOWWWW! MEOWWW!"

"Help me!" A salesman from the pet department shouted as several animals ran all over the place. "Some crazy kid let all the animals loose!"

"AAAHHH!" A heavyset woman screamed as she ran away. "LIZARDS EVERYWHERE!" She knocked over several people in her haste to get away.

"Before I could stop the kid, he rang up over ten thousand dollars on my cash register!" A cashier told her supervisor.

"He wrecked mine so bad I can't get it open!" Another cashier came forward. "And I'm pretty sure that little maniac stole money from it!"

"HELP ME! HELP ME!" A burly man screamed as he stood on a table surrounded by puppies. "THESE BRUTES ARE GOING TO EAT ME ALIVE!"

"LIZARDS! AAAAHHH!" Another heavyset woman ran by covered with lizards.

"Mr. Gumble, please!" A well-dressed man was speaking into a phone. "I came here to check the stores and there's nothing but chaos! I don't know what to do! I'm an executive in retail! I'm not trained to do anything!"

"That's it!" A sales woman snapped. "I **quit**! I'm getting out of retail and going to work in a safer environment!"

"I have an uncle who works at a fireworks factory," A man said.

"Can you get me an interview?" The woman asked.

"Stay off the escalators!" A janitor called out. "Some kid made them go in reverse!"

"**NOW** YOU TELL ME!" Another man screamed as he flew down the escalator. "AAAAHHH!"

CRASH!

"SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!" The janitor cried. "A man just crashed into the Winter Wonderland display!"

"SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!" A man called out as the lights on a Christmas tree exploded and the tree caught on fire.

"Forget that!" Another man snapped. "Call the **Marines** instead!"

"OW! A cat just scratched me!" A woman screamed.

"Mr. Gumble, we need help!" The executive was still on the phone. "Over half of our staff has just either quit or is being sent to the hospital! What do I do? What do you mean go to a register? And do _what_ exactly? **Seriously**? Sir did I not just **explain **that I'm an **executive **in **retail!** I don't **do** any work!"

"I knew I never should have left the army!" A large man groaned as he ran from several dogs and cats. "It was safer!"

"George, we need to get out of here!" One man said to another.

"Are you **crazy**?" George told his friend. "We're both lawyers! Do you know how much we could get in negligence and endangerment settlements here? This place is a **goldmine!"**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

"You're right," George's friend said. "You take the ones by the escalators. I'll take the ones near the pet store!" They ran off to do what they do best.

"Who spilled ink all over the **floor?**" A woman shouted. "My shoes are ruined!"

"I got bit by a dog!" A man shouted holding his arms. "I need to get tested for rabies!"

"I can represent you sir!" George's friend said cheerfully. "My firm does dog bites! We guarantee a full settlement or you don't have to pay us."

"How much do you think I can get?" The man who was bitten asked.

"STOP! HELP!" Some people screamed as they were trapped in a rapidly spinning revolving door. "GET US OUT OF HERE!"

"Yes sir, I'd be happy to represent you in suing this store for damages!" George said as he ran next to a man being carried away in an ambulance.

"AAAHHHH!" A man ran by being mauled by cats.

"Somebody get these cats away from my restaurant!" A Japanese man selling sushi in one corner of the store screamed. "Shoo! Shoo! Get your claws off of my salmon rolls!"

"Meow!"

"OW!" A woman shouted. "Who put tacks and jumping jacks all over the floor? This is dangerous! Someone could…"

"AAAAAHHH!"

"Fall," The woman sighed. "We're going to need another ambulance!"

"Fa, la, la…" George sang cheerfully as he gave out several more cards to injured or disgruntled shoppers. "La, la…Ka-Ching!"

"Where'd Santa go?" A young child asked another.

"He went that way," Another child pointed. "Crying!"

"Let's loot the joint!" Young Archer shouted loudly.

"Why the hell not?" A man sighed as he started stealing objects. Some people actually started to steal and run out of the door. A few of them were employees.

"Screw it!" A saleswoman ran out the door with some furs. "Their Christmas bonus is lousy anyway!"

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Young Archer ran by holding the BB gun. He took aim.

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"There goes more crystal glassware," A saleswoman groaned. "That's it I quit! I'm going to work as a security guard in a women's prison! Where people are **saner!**"

"Why don't the parents **do** something about a child like that?" One mother complained to another group of women. "Like put him on a leash or something?"

"**Leash?"** An older woman spoke up. "That kid needs a muzzle and a straightjacket!"

"That child needs some discipline!" Another woman said.

The older woman spoke again. "That child needs a kick in the pants!"

"I know who that is!" A well-dressed woman walked up to them. "That's Sterling Archer! Mallory Archer's hell spawn!"

"A child like that should be sent to military school," Another mother sniffed.

"He was," The well-dressed woman said. "He was kicked out. Twice!"

"Speak of the devil," One woman pointed to Mallory as she walked back in. Mallory saw the chaos. Then she saw her son being chased by security.

"You'll never take me alive! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Young Archer ran with glee away from them.

Mallory turned around. "Screw this. I'm going home. He's so smart, he can take a cab back!"

"She's just leaving her son here?" One of the women gasped. "She's going to come back right?"

"Would **you** come back for **that kid**?" The older woman asked.

"AAAHHH!" Young Archer struggled against the security officers holding him. "STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER! AAAHHH!"

"No," The first woman admitted. "No, I would not."

FLASHFORWARD!

"We skipped a few years after that **last one,"** Mallory sighed. "You can see why right?"

"Yuuup," Lana nodded.

"The next time he went wasn't that much better," Mallory groaned. "In hindsight that wasn't one of my better ideas."

"It must have been bad for **you **to admit that," Lana was stunned.

"Trust me," Mallory groaned. "It was."

FLASHBACK!

**Sterling Archer: Age 14: **

"Stop slouching," Mallory hissed at her now teenage son as they stood in line for Santa. "I need you to stay neat for the picture."

"Mother I'm old enough to know Santa isn't real," Teen Archer spoke up. "This is for stupid little kids. Why am I doing this?"

"Because I **said so**!" Mallory snapped. "Plus, there's this new backer I'm trying to get for my agency."

Teen Archer asked. "How is me taking a picture with some old dude dressed like Santa who smells like puke help **you** land some dude you want to have sex with and take his money?"

"He's a widower who has two children," Mallory explained. "And apparently he likes them."

"Does he have a daughter?"

"He has two grown sons," Mallory looked at him.

"Lame," Teen Archer groaned.

"Look this guy is loaded and likes kids," Mallory snapped. "And since it's cheaper to just use you than hire a child actor, we're going to take a picture with Santa and pretend we're a loving family. I told him I was a young mother with a sweet little boy."

"What? Is he **blind**?" Teen Archer snapped.

Mallory paused. "He does have some vision problems I admit that. Nothing serious. He just can't drive at night. Then again he has a chauffeur so he doesn't have to."

"This sucks!" Teen Archer groaned.

"Just **behave** yourself!" Mallory snapped. "I don't want this to be a repeat of the Gumble's incident. I only kept you out of juvenile hall the last time was because those women I knew saw me. I didn't want them to think I was a bad mother!"

"I think the ship already sailed on that one," Teen Archer groaned. "God now I wish you hadn't pulled me out of boarding school so early this year."

"Trust me," Mallory snapped. "I'm already **regretting **that decision myself. But I need you as an angle in order to land Mr. Steinhauser. Again. Cheaper than hiring an actor."

"Do I get anything out of this?" Teen Archer asked.

"Besides my undying love and gratitude?" Mallory asked bitterly.

Teen Archer snickered. "Good one. Seriously. What do I get?"

"Twenty bucks," Mallory said. "**After** we get the picture."

"Fine," Teen Archer sighed. "I gotta use the bathroom."

"Sterling…" Mallory groaned.

"We're way in the back and you want me to look my best right?" Teen Archer snapped. "I think a zit may be coming on. I want to cover it."

"Don't poke it!" Mallory challenged. "You'll only make it worse!"

"I won't," Teen Archer groaned as he left.

"His skin looked pretty clear to me," Mallory thought aloud. "Must be under the surface. That's annoying. Not as annoying as standing in line. Damn it. I should have used the bathroom excuse!"

Ten minutes later…

"Where the hell **is** he?" Mallory fumed. "We're almost to the front of the line and no sign of him! I knew it. He ran off. Damn it. I should have made it fifty bucks. And a bottle of schnapps."

A commotion was heard at the front of the line. "What's going on?" Curiosity won Mallory over as she went to see.

"Hey!" A large mother snapped. "Back of the line!"

"Oh, shut up you housefrau heifer!" Mallory snapped. "Isn't there a trough you should be grazing at?"

"Well I never!" The mother gasped.

"I highly doubt it," Mallory huffed as she moved past her.

She elbowed past the crowd. Part of the wall of the flimsy fake Santa's workshop had fallen, revealing a shocking sight. "STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory gasped in shock.

Teen Archer was making out with a young blond woman dressed as an elf. "What?" He snapped as he turned around.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU **DOING**?" Mallory screamed.

"Uh getting to first base with Tingles here," Teen Archer said matter of factly. "Duh!"

"YOU SEDUCED ONE OF SANTA'S ELVES?" Mallory shouted.

"Mother I banged my au pair," Teen Archer remarked. "Does this really **surprise **you?"

"You're only 14 years old!" Mallory screamed.

"_Fourteen?"_ Tingles the Elf did a double take. "You said you were eighteen but short for your age!"

"How drunk **are** you?" Mallory screamed.

Tingles paused. "Pretty drunk…"

"Her tongue tastes like peppermint schnapps," Teen Archer grinned.

"I don't know which one of you I should **kill** first!" Mallory snarled. "Oh wait, yes I do."

Mallory lunged at Tingles and punched her in the face. "You tinsel tramp!"

"AAAHH!" Tingles screamed as she ran off.

"Run back to the North Pole, you ho, ho, **ho!**" Mallory shouted. "You're just lucky my gun is in the shop getting monogramed! And as for **you!"**

Mallory grabbed Teen Archer by the year. "OWW! MOTHER! CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!"

"How could you humiliate me like this?" Mallory screamed. "Fornicating with some forest freak?"

"Oh please!" Teen Archer snapped. "You're just mad because I was getting it and you weren't. OWWWW!"

"Oh, you are so going to **get it**…" Mallory twisted his ear.

"OWW! MOTHER!" Teen Archer shouted loudly.

"**This** is what I have to deal with!" Mallory let go his ear and beseeched the shocked crowd of people. "All I wanted was a simple picture for Christmas! Just one little picture of my son with his mother and Santa! That's not asking for much is it? But nooo! My son would rather hang around some floozy and stuff her stocking!"

"She's only making me do this so she can screw some rich guy she just met," Teen Archer told the crowd. "She's trying to play up the devoted mother angle. Like **anyone** would buy that!"

"You know what I wish I bought?" Mallory shouted at her son. "A **condom!** Then I never would have had you! You are the **biggest mistake** I ever made in my life!"

"I didn't ask to be born!" Teen Archer shouted.

"If I hadn't gotten as drunk as that little skank you wouldn't have been!" Mallory screamed.

"Mallory!"

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted. Then she saw the face of a shocked gentleman. "Mr. Steinhauser…Fancy meeting you here. What are you doing here?"

"Getting Christmas gifts for my family," Mr. Steinhauser told her as he indicated his bags.

"Really? Me too!" Mallory said cheerfully. "Uh would you like to go for a drink?"

"I don't think so…" Mr. Steinhauser backed away. "Ms. Archer…"

"Call me Mallory," Mallory purred going into seduction mode. Unknown to her Teen Archer made a face and acted like he was throwing up.

"I'd rather not…" Mr. Steinhauser coughed. "About what we discussed the other day…I may have to reconsider."

"Oh, please Howard…" Mallory purred.

"No, I mean…" Mr. Steinhauser could not get away fast enough. "Don't call me, Ms. Archer. I'll call you." He ran off.

"He's not going to call you," Teen Archer told his mother.

"Thanks for the clue, Sherlock!" Mallory barked. "See what you've done?"

"Oh right," Teen Archer threw up his hands. "Blame me!"

"Excuse me!" The Santa that worked there spoke up. "I think you two should leave! You've done enough damage!"

"Before I respond…" Mallory sighed. "Are you single? Because if you are maybe we can discuss this over a drink?"

"You're trying to bang Santa **again?"** Teen Archer shouted. "You know that never works!"

"Shut up!" Mallory hissed at her son.

"SECURITY!" Santa called out.

"Told you," Teen Archer rolled his eyes.

"Oh, this never ends well," Mallory groaned as the store security closed in. "Usually with me writing a large check."

FLASHFORWARD!

"I'm guessing after that incident you didn't get your man," Lana remarked.

"No," Mallory admitted. "But I did get a few restraining orders."

"Ouch," Lana winced.

"After that fiasco Lordstrom's Department stores made up an age cutoff rule to see Santa," Mallory sighed. "They called it the Archer Clause. And boy did I get a lot of angry phone calls and letters after **that!** Especially from some of those weird mothers that were way too attached to their children. Those were downright creepy!"

Mallory sighed. "But not as creepy as some of the later visits…"

FLASHBACK!

**Sterling Archer: Age 30**

"Okay Santa…" A drunken adult Archer burped in his face of Santa as he sat on his lap. "I gotta tell ya…Do you want to go to Thailand? You've been to Thailand, right? Of course, you have. You've been around the world. Ever do it with the hookers they have there?"

"SECURITY!" Santa screamed.

FLASHFORWARD!

Mallory sighed. "I have more pictures of Sterling's mall mug shots than I do of him with Santa."

"How many times has **that** happened?" Lana asked.

"At least five that I know of," Mallory groaned. "And we all remember the Santa Assault incident at one of our office Christmas parties."

"Oh God yes…" Lana realized.

FLASHBACK!

"OH GOD! HELP ME!" Santa screamed in terror as Archer sat on top of him, beating him with a log of fruitcake.

"WHERE'S MY BIKE SANTA?" Archer shouted at the top of his lungs. "WHERE'S MY GOD DAMN BIKE YOU PROMISED?"

"Archer get off him!" Lana and Ray tried to pull him off but with little success.

"Sterling stop it!" Mallory shouted. "Oh God…Great! That fruitcake was going to be my gift to Trudy Beekman!"

"HERE'S SOME FRUITCAKE SANTA!" Archer whacked him with the fruitcake. "TAKE THIS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR HOLLY JOLLY…"

"Oh God I think Santa peed a little…" Lana winced.

"OH MY GOD!" Ray gasped. "He broke Santa's arm!"

"Now I really can't use that fruitcake!" Mallory groaned. "Screw it. I'll just give her a gift certificate."

"Oh God!" Cyril was heard shouting. "The egg nog is on fire!"

"HEY! I WAS SAVING THAT!" Archer shouted.

"CAROL!" Mallory shouted.

"Best Christmas party ever!" Cheryl cackled.

FLASHFORWARD!

"The day after that our agency was blackballed by every Santa sending agency in the tri-state area," Mallory groaned.

"Well with Archer in a coma at least Santas can rest everywhere," Lana sighed.

"This Santa's busy time Lana," Mallory remarked. "Santa doesn't rest until after New Year's. What? You think Santa doesn't go to parties after work?"

"Could you do me a favor and try not to molest Santa in front of AJ?" Lana told her.

"I was seducing those Santas!" Mallory protested. "Not molesting!"

"I think a judge would see that differently," Lana groaned as they got to the front of the line.

Santa took AJ on his lap. "And what's your name little girl?" He asked.

"Don't you know?" AJ asked. "You are Santa after all."

"Her name is Abbiejean," Lana prompted.

"And I'm Mallory," Mallory batted her eyes.

"_Seriously?"_ Lana glared at Mallory. "**Now?" **

"Is there a Mrs. Claus?" Mallory purred.

"YES!" Lana snapped.

"I was asking **him,**" Mallory pointed. "Nobody asks Santa what he wants!"

"I'm pretty sure it's not **you,"** Lana gave her a look. "AJ just tell Santa what you want."

"I want my Daddy to wake up," AJ told Santa. "He's in a coma."

"Oh well I don't think Santa can help you with that…" Santa coughed.

"Then what good are you?" AJ asked.

"AJ!" Lana barked.

AJ then responded by punching Santa in the stomach and kicking him in the groin as she got off his lap. "If you can't help my Daddy! I'm taking the candy!" She grabbed several candy canes and ran off.

"AJ COME BACK WITH THOSE CANDY CANES!" Lana shouted. "Don't kick that elf! AJ!"

"And the family tradition continues," Mallory rolled her eyes with a sigh.


End file.
